I think I might be falling deeper than I really should. There is no pain though, just slight confusion. I hardly dare to let slip of what I know, what I feel. The moment I admit it to the people around me, it becomes real. More real. It gets interlaced with the emotions from people around.

But it's so strange. I do not just feel something from my side. Maybe I am just being delusional though. I am known for dreaming too much. Rather, I know myself to dream too much.

Yet I am so very afraid of reciprocation. I fear committing my life to a wrong choice. I sink my roots in so deep you would have to cut me in half to make me leave. Even so, I leave half of my heart behind.

I want to just stare at the one I trust, and not have him see me as shallow tides.

Labels: 018, personal

I must admit, I am terrified of my being. I am not an emotional person but when I do get emotional, the intensity of these feelings overwhelm me all too easily. Imagine a beach with rocks and boulders rich with mineral salts. The ever-shifting tides of the sea represent the depth of my emotions and those boulders are the steady, seemingly infallible wealth of logic. These two bodies give and take- mineral salts from the rocks into the sea, vice versa. They coexist harmoniously; life is peaceful. One day, an unpredictable shift in the plates causes an earthquake underwater. A tsunami happens. That is what happens to me. Logic gets swept away, my feelings take over, I feel so much it bursts out of my control and slips itself into my limbs. I am both water and earth it confuses me daily. I love stability, I love knowing that the good things in life have meant to stay. I enjoy feeling safe, I enjoy being a lighthouse for all the people around me to seek some solace in. Yet I am also the boat who travels with the tides, the ship that never wants to be anchored , water that flows everywhere and anywhere, changing and shifting in shapes that cannot be easily fathomed. Some say I am an open book, others say that I am unpredictable. What makes people stay also drives them away. What drove them away will eventually lure them back. So who do I keep? Do I take these wanderers back? What if I suffocate the ones that chose to stay with me? I cannot calculate my feelings because they cannot be quantified or measured. I look to the future and dream of the directions but I take my lessons from the past. 
I'm such an intense soul, who would weather through the storms in me?

Labels: 014, personal

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