Currently playing this song on repeat. It's got such a badass beat and feel, and so much rapping (or repping heh), how could I not love this? Comma spam there, no wonder my essays resemble speeches. >_>

Anyway, I was feeling kinda blue about university and I strung my thoughts on a string of words within a post. No point posting it up, it's depressingly incoherent. It also consists of a single paragraph so any rules governing the structure of a rant have been lost on me.
To be honest, I have been stressed about a ton of nonsense lately, really. Work (or rather, the workplace) has been a total douche to me. I can't quit because of certain reasons too. Hmph. :/ Someone, please teach to be a total angel about this. I hate it when people just take advantage of you and I hate it even more when I know oh so clearly about it yet I let them go ahead anyway. ARGH. Blame my incompetency, I really have to step up my game. I must not blame work for my average grades, I WILL DO WELL DESPITE THIS. STOP WORRYING.
Mantra: work is nothing. Worry about it only when you are in the environment. Don't strive to be excellent at shelving fast, so long as you do it properly. You are great at counter so keep it up. You are good at this, just two months more!

But I only have a month and two weeks left till exams and I am honestly freaking out right now. :/ I still have a quiz about psycho-linguistics this coming Monday, a 2000-word essay to turn in by the end of this month, another 1000-word essay by the first week of next month, a French oral test in November and three written exams at the end of November. Y_Y HOW CAN I NOT IMMERSE MYSELF IN STUDYING?
I have to give up my language studying for a while though... It makes me a little sad but oh well. I will take that test in April and ace it, I SWEAR I WILL. CAPS.

I am very emotionally compromised now, sigh... I looked back at my old posts and I guffawed. Oh, it's as though I'm looking at a person from a distance through a window decked with cloudy glass. I see lingering parts of me yet these very parts are so foreign.
I spend most of my life infatuated with something, -someone(s), even- but I didn't know how to love the most important person in my life- MYSELF.

It has been a month of university now and frankly, I don't feel much passion for it but I do know that I am very comfortable with the system. However, the level of prescription of work has decreased so suddenly that I feel almost lost. How am I to know if my assignments are done the 'right' way? I don't want to risk losing my voice in a critique/essay by sticking to the general structure too much but it's honestly frightening. The thought of getting a C or below, just because my structure is as seemingly disorderly as my thought processes, chips away at my intuition and self-confidence.

I love this major. I'm not just satisfied with my choices, I am steadfast in my resolve.

Yet... At the same time... I feel so alone. I have never felt the effects of loneliness negatively; it has always been a compatriot of mine, ironically. I walk into uni, completely disinterested in socializing, so lost in my thoughts, I nearly negated the sounds, the sights of the world around me. What am I doing? -_- I shouldn't be like this but lately, my brain has been stuck in a rut. Or more accurately, my awareness of the situations around me.

Wake me up, somebody. There must be a good reason left on this Earth for my heart and soul to return to it. I have a Taurean backbone and a Pisces soul. The universe is slowly granting my wish.

Thank you, whoever they are.

" I would love to say
that you
make me
weak in the knees
but
to be quite upfront
and completely
truthful
you
make my body
forget
it has knees
at all. "
—      Derrick Brown, Love Language

Yesterday, I met the most adorable baby alive while working behind the reservation counter. She was perched high on her father's right arm, surveying the tables of books around her. I was not serving anybody so I watched her for a while. She must have noticed something odd because she turned her lovely face to look back at me. Time must have stopped or slowed because I do not remember either of us blinking as we locked eyes. She had the sweetest face I have ever seen. After a long while, her lips broke into the slowest, shyest smile. I felt my face flush deeply and my heart must have stopped a little from the lack of blood in the heart chamber. I must have fallen in love. I only blush when faced with objects/people that incite love from me. It was not the softness of her blond curls, not the bright blue in her sweet eyes. I saw the loveliness in her heart that shone through. Even when her father turned to head for the cashier, she kept smiling at me while peering at me over his shoulder.I could hardly explain it. I was so red my colleague asked if I was okay.

To you, little one.
I pray that you would grow up to be a beautiful girl, with a beautiful heart and soul.
The thought of you experiencing pain from the world around you actually pains me.
I hope that you would never get hurt, pray that you would be strong enough to still emerge from hardship and still be kind. I hardly meet anyone with whom I could experience at first sight such tenderness and love...
If we ever meet again, I would dote on you so much. Even if we are strangers. Even if this cannot be explained, even if it doesn't make sense to you.
Stay safe, sweet one. ♥

Labels: 026, moments worth remembering

I'm falling deeper. I'm not afraid to admit that it's consuming me inside, yet so afraid of letting it eat me whole. Almost every second is punctuated with an image of you smiling but with your eyes focused somewhere else. I'm in love with how you look, the way you smile. I am hopelessly drawn to that light in your eyes, or were your eyes already auroras when I first saw you in the cramped lounge? 

OLD